I am lucky in my life, because my hobbies have become my jobs. I am passionate about dancing, photography and (oddly enough) cheerleading, and I get paid to do them all.
And the sad thing is, is that while I am blessed with having jobs I love, there sadly comes a time when I find myself hating what I am doing. So, if you are stuck hating your job, then rest assured that even people who should be loving their jobs also have times when they hate their job. I think it is just a fact of life.
Today, for example, I found myself hating photography. Not photography itself really, more the fact that I had to do it. And then hating what I was doing. And wishing I could be doing anything else but that.
Same as, I have danced my entire life, but sometimes I really just find myself hating it, cos it stresses me out if I am not flexible enough or strong enough or co-ordinated enough. Teaching kids makes you stress more cos you think 'woah if I look terrible then they might look terrible and that would be bad'.
So, my brain had to re-focus today. I had a bad day, it doesn't mean I have a bad life. It doesn't mean I have to chuck in the towel and go on the dole or find some other job. Cos at the end of the day, if I did do all those things, I would be happy for awhile and then find myself hating that too. Ha that took a weird negative spin that I didn't intend.
Ok let's start again and be more positive.
So, my brain had to re-focus today. I had to remind myself that I was still doing my best, even if it wasn't as good as what yesterday's best was. Tomorrow I can be better. And if I am not, then next week is just as good.
Phew, state of positivity achieved.
On a totally unrelated note, it has been one year (tomorrow) since my I left with a team that i coach to compete in Hawaii. When you reach a milestone, it is hard not to look back and reflect on the past year (or ten years or whatever the milestone is). It has been this one year that has really tested me, has caused me a lot of the stress and what I though was anxiety and depression that I thought I was going through. While this past year wasn't as bad as the years when I actually was suffering from clinically diagnosed depression and anxiety, I think it was just the fear that I could have been that was what made it so bad. But I came out the end of it, and am sitting here feeling more mature, content and satisfied then I ever have in my life, ever. And it all started with a trip to Hawaii.
Actually no, that is a tad dramatic, it all started AFTER the trip to Hawaii - the trip itself was fantastic and did not cause any stress or grief or anything! Oops!! What I meant, was, that when I came back, it was like I had nothing to live for. I felt like everything I was doing after that trip was so insignificant, that day-to-day life no longer had a purpose, because I had been training and preparing for Hawaii for so long that I had forgotten how to live normally. I even went on a diet - I weigh 53 kilos and have never dieted in my life, ever, and i was making sure I wasn't drinking or eating things that could make me not at my physically (and mentally) fittest. I came home and couldn't go to the gym anymore - I had nothing to work out for. I came home and drank myself stupid any chance I got. I knew that there would be an anti-climax when i got back, but it was bigger than I imagined, and encompassed a good couple of months. In which time, a few people I knew started changing their attitudes towards me and life just spiralled down from there.
As I think I said in a previous blog entry, so forgive me if I am repeating myself, when you find yourself in a mental state that you are not sure if it is an actual problem or if it is just based on circumstances, you should go to speak to your doctor. I wish I had because he would have reassured me that i was just a victim of circumstance. the fact that I am sitting here 'reminiscing' is proof. However, I wish he had told me six months ago so that I didn't waste time in my life feeling miserable when I could have moved on and felt better.
So to tie my first point and my last point all together, if you find yourself having a bad day, or week, or year, it doesn't mean you have a bad life. It doesn't mean you are destined to have a bad life. It just means that you are learning from mistakes and learning how to be strong when your brain is playing some games with you.
That's my conclusion for now anyway. Again, as usual, I haven't proof read this. Happy spell-checking, people!
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