So we have all heard that the best things happen outside your comfort zone. But I didn't realise how much I live inside my comfort zone until I saw someone who was well and truly outside of theirs.
At the park the other day, there was a girl about my age by herself. She was laying on the grass just lying there. Whatever. I started taking photos, which is what I was there to do, and when I looked up at her again, she was dancing. Just dancing by herself in the park.
Now, perhaps she was stoned or drunk or something. But perhaps she wasn't, and I don't think she was cos she was doing some actual dancing dancing. And I was impressed that she had the guts to do that. I could never do that, cos it is not in my little comfort bubble.
And then I realised, I don't ever go to a park by myself. So not only am I incapable of dancing alone in a park, I don't even go to them in the first place!
So today when I had a half hour to kill while waiting for someone to meet me (who never showed up, btw) I just sat in the park. And it was great. And once it became apparent that this person wasn't coming, I started taking photos with my camera (I feel the need to state that it was a camera, not a phone or iPad). I wanted to take photos of the daisies but didn't cos it would mean lying down on the ground.
And then, I realised, that doing just that was staying inside my comfort zone.
So I forced myself to lie down and photograph the daisies.
It may not be dancing in the park, but it is a good start to living outside my comfort zone.
Wednesday, 12 December 2012
Sunday, 30 September 2012
forgotten
So I actually forgot that I had started this blog. oops.
I guess it doesn't matter. I have not got many followers so perhaps no one missed me in my absense.
However in saying that, I am going to try now to remember that this is here and use it like I had intended when I started it.
I have been thinking a lot about memories lately. Which is kinda fitting, since it seems I am rather forgetful.
I have the insane need to remember events. Birthdays, Christmases, graduation, etc. So I do this by keeping a journal, taking a billion photographs, keeping every piece of memorabilia that I can. It means I also keep stupid things such as old shoes, old t-shirts and in extreme cases, wrapping paper from gifts or flowers etc.
but at the end of the day, do I really actually remember the event, right down to the details, or do I just have the memories associated with the stuff I accumulate? And are they real memories or are they just the memories I have created to associate with the stuff I have?
and, at the end of the day, does it really matter if I remember these things or not?
We go through life and us sentimental types hang on to our past in order to feel like we have had a purpose, to cling to those memories so that we know we have lived. But do we really need to have all the clutter of a lifetime worth of memories, or can we actualy remember without having all the stuff?
I went to Hawaii in early 2011, and I took photo after photo, I kept plane tickets and souveniers. And yet my actual hard core memories that are in my actual head are still there without needing the cue of a photo. And at the same time, there are photos which I look at and can no longer remember the context in whcih they were taken and therefore I just look at the photo and wonder what it is I am meant to associate with it.
whereas my boyfriend just went to las vegas, didn't take a single photo, bought 2 souveniers and was drunk probably 80% of the time. so I wonder how his memories of the trip of a lifetime compare to my memories of my trip. and in a way i am envious of him, because he doesn't need to document his life to know he has lived.
The other interesting thing is that there is a real desire to share with the whole world through facebook or whatever the everyday workings of our lives. This is like not only proving to yourself that you have lived but proving to everyone else as well. I think nowadays people get dressed up and take funny photos not because the experience itself is amusing and enjoyable, but because they can share it on facebook and prove to the world that they are funny and embracing life and being crazy and seizing the day and all that stuff. Countless check-ins to places and tagging the people you are with also feeds the same need to remember what you have done, where you have been and to demonstrate that you are alive. If you look at someones profile who hasnt done check-ins or anything, you think how boring they must be. But on the flip side, a constant updater is just a stain in the newsfeed and you get annoyed with their incessant posting.
I guess however we try to document and remember our lives, computers, the internet and social media and all that stuff have really helped. If I was still using film cameras (which I actually would if i had more money for film and procesing!), I would have to buy a new house just to store all the images and albums. So now that my photos are just stored digitally, I take up less physical space (and just keep growing in data storage!). I keep writing in actual journals though, so by the time I am 60 I will have like ten billion notebooks in my house. But I dunno if it is worth it cos I read a journal from 10 years ago hoping to find out what my life was like in my final year of school, and really it told me nothing cos all I wrote about was my obsession with the love of my life at the time who had broken my heart. so I had no memories of what I did day to day or who my friends really were or whatever. But lots of memories about how my heart had been broken. And when I read it, I didnt really want to remember that terrible time!
So I guess that as we all progress though life, we all like to know we have left proof of our existence in some way. My concern is that when they find my decaying body amongst 10 cats and 50,000 journals and photographs, that my stuff will just be discarded and the proof of my existence would disappear. So all my hard work will just be chucked out lol.
But at least I would have tried I guess.
I guess it doesn't matter. I have not got many followers so perhaps no one missed me in my absense.
However in saying that, I am going to try now to remember that this is here and use it like I had intended when I started it.
I have been thinking a lot about memories lately. Which is kinda fitting, since it seems I am rather forgetful.
I have the insane need to remember events. Birthdays, Christmases, graduation, etc. So I do this by keeping a journal, taking a billion photographs, keeping every piece of memorabilia that I can. It means I also keep stupid things such as old shoes, old t-shirts and in extreme cases, wrapping paper from gifts or flowers etc.
but at the end of the day, do I really actually remember the event, right down to the details, or do I just have the memories associated with the stuff I accumulate? And are they real memories or are they just the memories I have created to associate with the stuff I have?
and, at the end of the day, does it really matter if I remember these things or not?
We go through life and us sentimental types hang on to our past in order to feel like we have had a purpose, to cling to those memories so that we know we have lived. But do we really need to have all the clutter of a lifetime worth of memories, or can we actualy remember without having all the stuff?
I went to Hawaii in early 2011, and I took photo after photo, I kept plane tickets and souveniers. And yet my actual hard core memories that are in my actual head are still there without needing the cue of a photo. And at the same time, there are photos which I look at and can no longer remember the context in whcih they were taken and therefore I just look at the photo and wonder what it is I am meant to associate with it.
whereas my boyfriend just went to las vegas, didn't take a single photo, bought 2 souveniers and was drunk probably 80% of the time. so I wonder how his memories of the trip of a lifetime compare to my memories of my trip. and in a way i am envious of him, because he doesn't need to document his life to know he has lived.
The other interesting thing is that there is a real desire to share with the whole world through facebook or whatever the everyday workings of our lives. This is like not only proving to yourself that you have lived but proving to everyone else as well. I think nowadays people get dressed up and take funny photos not because the experience itself is amusing and enjoyable, but because they can share it on facebook and prove to the world that they are funny and embracing life and being crazy and seizing the day and all that stuff. Countless check-ins to places and tagging the people you are with also feeds the same need to remember what you have done, where you have been and to demonstrate that you are alive. If you look at someones profile who hasnt done check-ins or anything, you think how boring they must be. But on the flip side, a constant updater is just a stain in the newsfeed and you get annoyed with their incessant posting.
I guess however we try to document and remember our lives, computers, the internet and social media and all that stuff have really helped. If I was still using film cameras (which I actually would if i had more money for film and procesing!), I would have to buy a new house just to store all the images and albums. So now that my photos are just stored digitally, I take up less physical space (and just keep growing in data storage!). I keep writing in actual journals though, so by the time I am 60 I will have like ten billion notebooks in my house. But I dunno if it is worth it cos I read a journal from 10 years ago hoping to find out what my life was like in my final year of school, and really it told me nothing cos all I wrote about was my obsession with the love of my life at the time who had broken my heart. so I had no memories of what I did day to day or who my friends really were or whatever. But lots of memories about how my heart had been broken. And when I read it, I didnt really want to remember that terrible time!
So I guess that as we all progress though life, we all like to know we have left proof of our existence in some way. My concern is that when they find my decaying body amongst 10 cats and 50,000 journals and photographs, that my stuff will just be discarded and the proof of my existence would disappear. So all my hard work will just be chucked out lol.
But at least I would have tried I guess.
Sunday, 3 June 2012
the only guarantee in life...
My dad was telling me how he tends to think about the fact that we all die quite regularly. Not in the morbid, depressed kinda way, but in a pragmatic, more realistic way. In the sense that it is inevitable so instead of ignoring it, try to be aware of its imminent possibility.
In my quest for happiness, I was looking for ways to deal with my 'fear of getting old', and I felt that the 'fear of death' could be another good issue for me to deal with in my every day life.
I am not scared of actually dying. I believe that whatever happens in my after life, if there is one, will take care of itself. My main fear is how and when I will actually die. That is the terrifying thing to overcome.
Which takes me to my new daily thought patterns, well it is daily if I remember it, which is; to acknowledge that it could happen today, and that I will (attempt to) be brave if it happens and that I am grateful for all the life I have so far had. And at the end of the day, if I remember, I realise that I am still alive and holy cow it feels good!
so this is a bit deep and kinda depressing really. I don't mean for it to be. I mainly wanted to share how in the last little while, I have sort of turned my life in to a valuable thing, which I never really had before, and how I have done it.
It doesn't mean I have been running around yelling 'Carpe Diem' at everyone- I also believe that there is a limit to how much day seizing one can do, and a well balanced life demands an individual to also seize the lying on the couch and watching dvds.
All it means is that I have now accepted the fact that a) I am getting older - but I am never as young as i am right NOW and b) I will die - and instead of fearing the how, when and where (and maybe why...) all I have to do is be curious about it, and try not to be terrfied when it comes.
The next hurdle is to overcome the fear of the death of the people in my life and I feel like I may have cracked my mind... in a good way...
I am sorry if anyone is offended by what i have just written for any reason, like i said, I just wanted to share a positive mind-altering thought process i have started recently...
In my quest for happiness, I was looking for ways to deal with my 'fear of getting old', and I felt that the 'fear of death' could be another good issue for me to deal with in my every day life.
I am not scared of actually dying. I believe that whatever happens in my after life, if there is one, will take care of itself. My main fear is how and when I will actually die. That is the terrifying thing to overcome.
Which takes me to my new daily thought patterns, well it is daily if I remember it, which is; to acknowledge that it could happen today, and that I will (attempt to) be brave if it happens and that I am grateful for all the life I have so far had. And at the end of the day, if I remember, I realise that I am still alive and holy cow it feels good!
so this is a bit deep and kinda depressing really. I don't mean for it to be. I mainly wanted to share how in the last little while, I have sort of turned my life in to a valuable thing, which I never really had before, and how I have done it.
It doesn't mean I have been running around yelling 'Carpe Diem' at everyone- I also believe that there is a limit to how much day seizing one can do, and a well balanced life demands an individual to also seize the lying on the couch and watching dvds.
All it means is that I have now accepted the fact that a) I am getting older - but I am never as young as i am right NOW and b) I will die - and instead of fearing the how, when and where (and maybe why...) all I have to do is be curious about it, and try not to be terrfied when it comes.
The next hurdle is to overcome the fear of the death of the people in my life and I feel like I may have cracked my mind... in a good way...
I am sorry if anyone is offended by what i have just written for any reason, like i said, I just wanted to share a positive mind-altering thought process i have started recently...
Sunday, 22 April 2012
Surprise!!
I learned this week some helpful strategies for being happy in everyday life, some of which I already knew but a couple of new things as well.
One of these things is to look at curiosity in your life. Ask yourself, what it is that makes you curious? Is it something you want to learn about - a skill perhaps, or acquiring knowledge on a topic. What did you find curious in the past week? What did you do about this curiosity?
Another strategy was to look at the element of surprise in your life. when were you surprised in the last week? What surprised you? What could surprise you in the next week? Focus on positive surprises rather than negative ones if you can!
The final one that I will put up today was the question 'When was the last time you did something that caused you not to notice the passing of time?'. Quite often, we get more satisfaction from doing small, focused activities where we are both equally challenged and meeting a certain skill level, than doing nothing ie lying on the couch watching tv. This is called a state of flow, and when we are in a state of flow, we are usually achieving quite well.
So, I guess if you think of curiosity, surprise and being in a state of flow, you can create a happy state of mind. Mix this in with finding gratitude, kindness, positivity and optimism, and humour then you should be set! I also think excitement could be added too - when was the last time you did something exciting? Or were excited about something? What are you excited about now? As we get older, we tend to lose our sense of excitement, and I think that is a sad thing. Without excitement in our lives, we potentially have nothing to live for. It could be something as simple as being excited to have a cup of tea when you get home! it doesn't have to be excitement for a bg holiday or something!
So, that is my happiness chat for the day! Short and sweet and rather brief I am sorry but I am about to go to bed - I just needed to share my thoughts before going to bed and having them clog up my sleep processes!
One of these things is to look at curiosity in your life. Ask yourself, what it is that makes you curious? Is it something you want to learn about - a skill perhaps, or acquiring knowledge on a topic. What did you find curious in the past week? What did you do about this curiosity?
Another strategy was to look at the element of surprise in your life. when were you surprised in the last week? What surprised you? What could surprise you in the next week? Focus on positive surprises rather than negative ones if you can!
The final one that I will put up today was the question 'When was the last time you did something that caused you not to notice the passing of time?'. Quite often, we get more satisfaction from doing small, focused activities where we are both equally challenged and meeting a certain skill level, than doing nothing ie lying on the couch watching tv. This is called a state of flow, and when we are in a state of flow, we are usually achieving quite well.
So, I guess if you think of curiosity, surprise and being in a state of flow, you can create a happy state of mind. Mix this in with finding gratitude, kindness, positivity and optimism, and humour then you should be set! I also think excitement could be added too - when was the last time you did something exciting? Or were excited about something? What are you excited about now? As we get older, we tend to lose our sense of excitement, and I think that is a sad thing. Without excitement in our lives, we potentially have nothing to live for. It could be something as simple as being excited to have a cup of tea when you get home! it doesn't have to be excitement for a bg holiday or something!
So, that is my happiness chat for the day! Short and sweet and rather brief I am sorry but I am about to go to bed - I just needed to share my thoughts before going to bed and having them clog up my sleep processes!
Thursday, 12 April 2012
Time
Time is something that no human really ever manages well. This is what I imagine at least anyway. Obviously, there are people out there who would manage their time well - they probably have the perfect life balance that we all strive for, and they use their time as best as they can.
But, the average general population probably don't. If I am hazarding a correct guess.
I am speculating about this today because this week is the first week in my LIFE where I feel that perhaps I have actually used my time the best. And it therefore has got me thinking about time.
The first aspect that I think about is my 'free time'. The time I have to myself in which I have a sky's limit amount of things I can do. And, with this time, I usually do very little. Each day that I have a day off I feel hopeful and optimistic, yet at 1:00 in the afternoon I am still sitting on the couch in my pyjamas, thinking that I should probably do something. But at the same time, with the adage 'time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time' lingering in my head, I continue watching whichever TV show I have glued myself to that day, and decide that I am happy doing so and why stop?
And this happens every opportunity I get. To just blob and do nothing, because when i am at work, I am busy.
But lately I have realised that the time when I have been at work or doing things such as the dishes or photo editing or choreographing, I have been more satisfied and I actually enjoy when I have things scheduled in, rather than feeling bitter about having my free time taken away from me.
But in saying that, I have just sat on the couch for an hour and a half doing basically nothing..... If you do nothing, nothing will happen....
And so, I will remove my snuggie and go and tidy the house.....
But, the average general population probably don't. If I am hazarding a correct guess.
I am speculating about this today because this week is the first week in my LIFE where I feel that perhaps I have actually used my time the best. And it therefore has got me thinking about time.
The first aspect that I think about is my 'free time'. The time I have to myself in which I have a sky's limit amount of things I can do. And, with this time, I usually do very little. Each day that I have a day off I feel hopeful and optimistic, yet at 1:00 in the afternoon I am still sitting on the couch in my pyjamas, thinking that I should probably do something. But at the same time, with the adage 'time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time' lingering in my head, I continue watching whichever TV show I have glued myself to that day, and decide that I am happy doing so and why stop?
And this happens every opportunity I get. To just blob and do nothing, because when i am at work, I am busy.
But lately I have realised that the time when I have been at work or doing things such as the dishes or photo editing or choreographing, I have been more satisfied and I actually enjoy when I have things scheduled in, rather than feeling bitter about having my free time taken away from me.
But in saying that, I have just sat on the couch for an hour and a half doing basically nothing..... If you do nothing, nothing will happen....
And so, I will remove my snuggie and go and tidy the house.....
Wednesday, 4 April 2012
Teenagers Part 2: Art Makers
I made some of the best art 'of my life' when I was a teenager. I graduated from Uni with a Bachelor of Contemporary Arts at the age of 21, and I thought I was super amazingly talented.
When I was in year 10, I started adult ed photography courses, so by the time I got to Year 11 and 12, I already knew what I was doing with a 35mm SLR Camera, so I thought I was pretty super good at what i did. In year 12, I was one of the top rated students at my college, my work got selected to be exhibited in a show, the college also bought my work, as did a private seller - and my art was 'good'. By the time I got to uni, I was confident in my abilities and got Distinctions and High Distinctions for most of my assignments, and had work selected for student exhibitions etc. And, my art was 'good'.
Same as for dancing - by the time I got to uni, I knew how to choreograph a contemporary dance piece (in the artistic sense with motifs, structure, form etc) so I felt that I was good at that too. I also got Distinctions and High distinctions for most of my choreographic pieces, and I was unique and quirky in my movement so I felt confident in my ability.
So, why then, did I suddenly become such a terrible artist when I left university? My photos were boring, my choreography simplistic, my ideas and stimulus limited. And discouraged by this, I have unknowlingly become less and less inclined to focus on my artistic practice - even though I dream of doing it on an almost weekly, if not daily, basis.
I read a quote on pinterest that it is actually normal for 'new artists' to leave the confines of a structured art degree and feel lost. Unispired. No one to assess our work, to give us feedback, or to criticise us and make us aware of where we went wrong. Except our family and friends who would love what we do regardless. No one to set us with assignments designed to inspire within set parameters - we have no original thought, despite being told we would have. But the quote did go on to say, that if we just keep making art, no matter how bad it is, we will start to improve until we have a sufficient body of work.
I can eventually be a kick arse artist, even if it takes me 50 years to become so.
So this rounds up that section of this entry, howevers the teenager aspect that I have also noticed this week, is what I want to think about next because it links to the idea of being inspired and making art etc.
As a teenager, I made angsty, emotional, pain stricken art work. In both dance and photography. I had no pre-conceived ideas of what I should or shouldn't do, what had or hadn't been 'done' before - I just did. I just made art, whether it was original or not, it was new for me and that was all that mattered.
These days, I do not have such heavy-duty emotions. And when I did, I was so low down in a hole that making art was the last thing on my mind! And it is quite tricky, for me anyway, to make art when I am happy. Well, art that i think is any good anyway... And, I am painfully aware of all my ideas being just weaker copies of something that has been done before, or something that no one would be interested in watching. I could get away with that when I was younger, but no respected artist gets very far being unoriginal.
Teenagers haven't been limited by anything. They seek to do what they have seen before, because it is good and they can replicate it in their own way. Plus, they have the excuse that they are still learning so therefore if a photo or dance or painting or whatever is on the weaker side, one knows they are still learning and appreciates that. But when you leave uni, or whatever, you feel like you now should know it all (even though you know you don't) so replication or making a mistake or creating something mediocre becomes humiliating, rather than forgivable.
So, you just stop making art.
This week I have come to be jealous of the teenagers around me who are making 'the best art of their life' and it saddens me that they may become jaded 20-year-something-olds who no longer make art for arts sake. That they are incapable of pushing through the lack-lustre space of time before hitting the artistic jackpot.
So, I have now come to realise, that as someone who has been out of uni for five years, enough is enough, and I will set out to see if I can ever become the artist I long to be. I aim to achieve this goal by the time I am 55 years old. That should give me plenty of time.
When I was in year 10, I started adult ed photography courses, so by the time I got to Year 11 and 12, I already knew what I was doing with a 35mm SLR Camera, so I thought I was pretty super good at what i did. In year 12, I was one of the top rated students at my college, my work got selected to be exhibited in a show, the college also bought my work, as did a private seller - and my art was 'good'. By the time I got to uni, I was confident in my abilities and got Distinctions and High Distinctions for most of my assignments, and had work selected for student exhibitions etc. And, my art was 'good'.
Same as for dancing - by the time I got to uni, I knew how to choreograph a contemporary dance piece (in the artistic sense with motifs, structure, form etc) so I felt that I was good at that too. I also got Distinctions and High distinctions for most of my choreographic pieces, and I was unique and quirky in my movement so I felt confident in my ability.
So, why then, did I suddenly become such a terrible artist when I left university? My photos were boring, my choreography simplistic, my ideas and stimulus limited. And discouraged by this, I have unknowlingly become less and less inclined to focus on my artistic practice - even though I dream of doing it on an almost weekly, if not daily, basis.
I read a quote on pinterest that it is actually normal for 'new artists' to leave the confines of a structured art degree and feel lost. Unispired. No one to assess our work, to give us feedback, or to criticise us and make us aware of where we went wrong. Except our family and friends who would love what we do regardless. No one to set us with assignments designed to inspire within set parameters - we have no original thought, despite being told we would have. But the quote did go on to say, that if we just keep making art, no matter how bad it is, we will start to improve until we have a sufficient body of work.
I can eventually be a kick arse artist, even if it takes me 50 years to become so.
So this rounds up that section of this entry, howevers the teenager aspect that I have also noticed this week, is what I want to think about next because it links to the idea of being inspired and making art etc.
As a teenager, I made angsty, emotional, pain stricken art work. In both dance and photography. I had no pre-conceived ideas of what I should or shouldn't do, what had or hadn't been 'done' before - I just did. I just made art, whether it was original or not, it was new for me and that was all that mattered.
These days, I do not have such heavy-duty emotions. And when I did, I was so low down in a hole that making art was the last thing on my mind! And it is quite tricky, for me anyway, to make art when I am happy. Well, art that i think is any good anyway... And, I am painfully aware of all my ideas being just weaker copies of something that has been done before, or something that no one would be interested in watching. I could get away with that when I was younger, but no respected artist gets very far being unoriginal.
Teenagers haven't been limited by anything. They seek to do what they have seen before, because it is good and they can replicate it in their own way. Plus, they have the excuse that they are still learning so therefore if a photo or dance or painting or whatever is on the weaker side, one knows they are still learning and appreciates that. But when you leave uni, or whatever, you feel like you now should know it all (even though you know you don't) so replication or making a mistake or creating something mediocre becomes humiliating, rather than forgivable.
So, you just stop making art.
This week I have come to be jealous of the teenagers around me who are making 'the best art of their life' and it saddens me that they may become jaded 20-year-something-olds who no longer make art for arts sake. That they are incapable of pushing through the lack-lustre space of time before hitting the artistic jackpot.
So, I have now come to realise, that as someone who has been out of uni for five years, enough is enough, and I will set out to see if I can ever become the artist I long to be. I aim to achieve this goal by the time I am 55 years old. That should give me plenty of time.
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
Teenagers
The wise voices of My Chemical Romance once sang, 'Teenagers Scare the Living Sh*t out of me".
For a middle-of-her-late-twenties person, I spend such an amazing amount of time with teenagers. More time with teenagers than my own family, than my friends of my own age and with my own partner, really. Depending on the place and time, these teenagers function either as my students, my athletes that I coach, my peers, and in some instances, my friends. While they don't particularly scare the living sh*t out of me all that often anymore, they do absolutely fascinate me.
I feel that this could be a rather lengthy journal, and I fear it could get tedious if I just keep going on and on and on so I might discuss a few different things that fascinate me over the course of a couple of entries. That way, if y'all get bored, you can just move on quickly...
Tonight, I found the fascination in the fact that teenagers do a lot of things that they don't enjoy. For example, ballet class. It became very aparent to me tonight that pretty much almost none of the girls in my ballet class actually wanted to be there doing it. And I wondered if they really did actually hate it, or if they were just saying they hated it cos everyone else was hating it so therefore it is cooler to dislike ballet and not pay attention. Or, do they really actually hate it cos it is boring and slow and repetitive? They are also forced to be there cos if they want to jazz and neo-classical, they have to do ballet first. So that could also be a contributing factor.
But me, I chose to do the class because I desperately need to get my dance technique back in track, I need some mental discipline and I appreciate how effective having strong ballet technique is for all other genres of dance. So I love ballet class, for the first time in my life - when i was younger I hated it because I was so terrible at it. I am still terrible now, but I can find the humour in my terrible-ness.
It made me feel sad for these teenagers who were hating the class and not seeing the beauty and grace in what they were doing. I didn't get to do ballet until quite late in my dance training, hence my lack of skill in that style, so these girls are so lucky they get to do it now so that their bodies can be stronger.
And then it makes me feel sad that so many years of my life were wasted being a teenager who hated everything. It really must be a right of passage - you hate everything in your teens and then grow to love and appreciate everything through the course of your twenties, so then you can really live in your 30s as a super well adjusted adult...
I used to play squash, I went to dance - tap, jazz, irish, contemporary, I played the clarinet, I did subjects I loved at school, I spent time with friends etc etc. Yet I hated going to all those things, I hated so many people and even at times my friends annoyed me so I hated them. So while I loved my hobbies, at the same time, I hated going to them. HOW WEIRD IS THAT? The more I think of how depressing being a teenager was, the more I think of how sad it is that my life was spent like that for so long! I really do vow to be not like a teenager for the rest of my life so that it hopefully cancels itself out!
So, the funny thing is, is that a previous journal (i am awkward with the word blog so I am calling my blog my journal) entry was saying how last week I hated what I was doing. That will now be known as my Teenager Moment. The moment when you hate something you actually really love.
And this is why teenagers scare me. Because even when you think you aren't one, you have a teenager moment.
For a middle-of-her-late-twenties person, I spend such an amazing amount of time with teenagers. More time with teenagers than my own family, than my friends of my own age and with my own partner, really. Depending on the place and time, these teenagers function either as my students, my athletes that I coach, my peers, and in some instances, my friends. While they don't particularly scare the living sh*t out of me all that often anymore, they do absolutely fascinate me.
I feel that this could be a rather lengthy journal, and I fear it could get tedious if I just keep going on and on and on so I might discuss a few different things that fascinate me over the course of a couple of entries. That way, if y'all get bored, you can just move on quickly...
Tonight, I found the fascination in the fact that teenagers do a lot of things that they don't enjoy. For example, ballet class. It became very aparent to me tonight that pretty much almost none of the girls in my ballet class actually wanted to be there doing it. And I wondered if they really did actually hate it, or if they were just saying they hated it cos everyone else was hating it so therefore it is cooler to dislike ballet and not pay attention. Or, do they really actually hate it cos it is boring and slow and repetitive? They are also forced to be there cos if they want to jazz and neo-classical, they have to do ballet first. So that could also be a contributing factor.
But me, I chose to do the class because I desperately need to get my dance technique back in track, I need some mental discipline and I appreciate how effective having strong ballet technique is for all other genres of dance. So I love ballet class, for the first time in my life - when i was younger I hated it because I was so terrible at it. I am still terrible now, but I can find the humour in my terrible-ness.
It made me feel sad for these teenagers who were hating the class and not seeing the beauty and grace in what they were doing. I didn't get to do ballet until quite late in my dance training, hence my lack of skill in that style, so these girls are so lucky they get to do it now so that their bodies can be stronger.
And then it makes me feel sad that so many years of my life were wasted being a teenager who hated everything. It really must be a right of passage - you hate everything in your teens and then grow to love and appreciate everything through the course of your twenties, so then you can really live in your 30s as a super well adjusted adult...
I used to play squash, I went to dance - tap, jazz, irish, contemporary, I played the clarinet, I did subjects I loved at school, I spent time with friends etc etc. Yet I hated going to all those things, I hated so many people and even at times my friends annoyed me so I hated them. So while I loved my hobbies, at the same time, I hated going to them. HOW WEIRD IS THAT? The more I think of how depressing being a teenager was, the more I think of how sad it is that my life was spent like that for so long! I really do vow to be not like a teenager for the rest of my life so that it hopefully cancels itself out!
So, the funny thing is, is that a previous journal (i am awkward with the word blog so I am calling my blog my journal) entry was saying how last week I hated what I was doing. That will now be known as my Teenager Moment. The moment when you hate something you actually really love.
And this is why teenagers scare me. Because even when you think you aren't one, you have a teenager moment.
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